Katherine C.

So, I was about twenty years old and my mother and I were in the car together and it was the usual uncomfortable silence between us. In my attempt to have a conversation with my mom, I decided to out of the blue ask her where my name came from, who named me? My mother unexpectedly answered me. She stated that my middle name came from her mom, my maternal grandmother.. Elizabeth. My maternal grandmothers name was Jane Elizabeth. My mother then proceeded to tell me that my dad’s mom, my Grandma Ethel picked my first name, Katherine…because she thought it was a beautiful name. I assumed that was the end of the conversation however, my mother continued talking to me. She stated that she DID NOT want to name me Katherine Elizabeth. She stated that she wanted to name me Erica but with a K….ERIKA….she said but that her mom, my grandma, would not allow her to. That was the end of the conversation. I did not think anything of it….just said, “oh, okay.” Fast forward 31 years, yes….thirty years, two children and two husbands later I received a text from my step father. The text message said….”Did you know you have a sister? I just found out that your mother had to give up a baby for adoption when she was 18.” Your mother was contacted by someone in your family because the baby girl she gave up for adoption was looking for her. They have been in contact with each other and you can look at her profile on Facebook. Her name is Erika ….E R I K A. I literally dropped my phone and just stood there for what seemed to be the longest time. While standing there, my shoulders began to loosen up, I felt like a hundred pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders, I started laughing and crying at the same time. It hit me like a metal chair over my head…….I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE MY MOTHER HATE ME, IT IS NOT MY FAULT, SHE DOESN’T HATE ME SHE HATES HERSELF and her Mom. It was 1968 I think when my Grandmother made my Mom give her baby up for adoption…my Grandmother was a divorced, single woman raising three kids (now teens) on her own and she was already working three jobs…they could not afford to keep the baby girl. My mother became pregnant with me soon after and I was born on Dec. 27, 1970. My mother did not want to keep me however, my Dad and his mother insisted that they would provide for me. My father left when I was just 3 months. So, my mom felt like she was stuck with me I guess. She often told me throughout my life that if abortions would have been legal she would have aborted me. She also liked to tell me that I would never be anyone special and just so many other hateful things that I began to believe her. My whole life my mother treated me like I was a burden, like she just tolerated me. She sent me to stay with my grandparents every chance she could. I thought I did something to make her hate me. She treated me like crap and I eventually just started to hate her for that. I could never do anything right or good enough….my childhood, teenage years young adult life I was miserable. I did everything I could to get her attention, wanted her approval so badly. Anyway……because of how badly my heart and feelings were hurt by my mother….I made a lot of bad decisions and choices. Amongst all of my bad decisions I did give birth to my son, Zackary and 10 years later my daughter, Antoinette. My mother tries to have a relationship with them but they do not like the way she treats me so they do not have much to do with her. Okay….so the reason I am asking for help……I have spent so long hating myself thinking I did something wrong to make my mother hate me …..I have just been existing my whole life. I did not graduate HS, I did get my GED, went to a trade school and tried to work for several years. I have a lot of mental health issues. Now that I know it was nothing I did and that I don’t have to hate myself I want to live life now. However, I have very little to work with. I have ideas and motivation but I barely survive. I want to lose weight and get healthy now however, healthy food is so much more expensive. If you could help me I will pay it forward once I get on my feet and am able to take care of myself and secure my future. My kids love me and they help me but, I don’t want them to struggle because they feel like they need to help Mom. Thank you in advance. I would love to keep you informed of my new life adventures if you can help me embark on those adventures. Cash app $sidetrackat Venmo @sidetrackat Zelle [email protected] *** fyi….I have been a volunteer for over 10 years at a local exotic cat sanctuary and would love to help them also…..I am the caretaker for the Memorial Wall and clean cages for 5 big cats. www.insyncexotics.org wonderful organization.